An identity if anything but being a working, breathing, fucking, sleeping and eating creature… just like any other biological specimen is a contradiction to our existence. We have some kind of idea that the media, fashion or whatever else gives us a sense of purpose is important. When we strip away the layers of diatribe prescribed by the television, movies, music, internet we get a false identity.
It’s difficult to accept life, and secular human beings when you made up for yourself a certain moral law that is dictated by the spiritual. You criticize, antagonize human life. But at our core, we acknowledge a moral law, something to differentiate good and bad. Ravi Zacharias/CS Lewis, both believe that if a moral law exists, than there must be a more lawgiver. The moral law giver of course being god. I have a problem with this idea, only because I think that our environment our reality that is around us dictates wrong and right. I think they are not so much concerned with environmental and surroundings, but more with a singular aspect that reflects onto all human beings. The idea that there are certain things that exist in all of us, and we can all agree that they are in all human beings. We are all affected by certain stimuli, things that are spiritual and non existent in the physical.
It’s hard for me believe that a god imbedded in us certain laws and rules, that if permitted result in a barrier around us, that crushing guilt and conscious wrong. Why do human beings feel this, some human beings (strong ones) can outright resist the idea of wrong in themselves. They are the herd, they follow the physical and resist the spiritual. After all anything that negates a successful lifestyle must be resisted and thrown away from our consciousness. We have wronged one, or a whole lot more, but we do not allow ourselves to fall into self pity. This reminds me of teachings by Nietzsche, he believes that christianity or spiritual beliefs are all human weakness. He believes in the herd instinct the powerful, the courageous and daring.
I haven’t a clue about where I stand in all of this. But I feel the crushing blows of reality, I have a hard time ignoring the consequence. I fall into the weaker category, but somehow I feel as if I am aligned with something spiritual, something that exists outside of myself. I do not subscribe to certain institutions and churches. The older I get the less I see the exposure of life, but more the love of money and ignore the weaker human beings. Let the herd throw them out, they waste the oxygen somebody with a spine could have. I believe in suicide, only because when a human has no purpose, nothing to permit itself to success. The greatest pain I could endure is the absence of family. That would be a pain I could not endure through.
If we ask “why we should die?” the same should be asked why we exist. If the two have no purpose than the other, than it would be easy to answer this question, or the hypothesis, and that is there is no meaning in the two. So if your goal and ambition is death, then there is nothing to detract the purpose. The contradictory purpose of existence. Each escalated thought and idea, runs madly into a wall.
I wonder if since I think about this, than maybe there is purpose, maybe there is meaning. And if I answer yes, to that question, then there is a grave mistake in weighing in no purpose. Because if there is purpose, than that means that there was a creator to our existence. For whatever reason, enjoys to watch us, make a mistake in our decision, and end it all. Or maybe he offers this choice as an option to join him. But I can only imagine that he would not allow us to enter life at his time, than to disregard his time and take matters into our own hands and end it, without his consent.
|image courtesy of dead congregation|
I feel a grim reality in circumstance, and that, to me makes it easy to take orders into my own hands. The writing on the wall is something existential. The wall we run into, expecting collapse, or demise, but the same wall we accept collision, only lands us back onto our feet. Is this endurance to collapse, and get back up, the necessity of life. Is a creator balancing self hatred, and the endurance to find him in our recklessness.
I am not bringing up anything new to the table, this has all been discussed and observed as well as explained much better than I can. But I just wanted to express a though running through my mind. And a reason to do some graphics.
Irrelevancy will ensue beyond this point –> Its amazing how much restraint and discipline I have experienced from a lifestyle abstinent from sexual impulse and desire but also the ability to think for self, and avoid external influence (albeit the things which have a ring of truth to myself). I want to become something better than what I have been, which hasn’t been much at all.
Discipline of desires, not feeding the beast that gets hungry for the wrong things. Denying self the pleasures that only distract it from purpose, consequential circumstance will always remind it of purpose. It’s ignorance to continue down a path without realizing the consequence, I have to live with the conviction of my consequences. Betterment with a purposeful intent.
I am alive today not because nature interfered, but because the plug wasn’t pulled by a human being. I put myself in the position to be resuscitated, it was not divine interference, I think we all know in our minds what will be the outcome of our actions. If experience has taught me one thing, it is that, outside of myself no thing will clear a path for myself, the process can only be accomplished by my own efforts and ability. I think when a person hurts themselves and then considers their own survival because god pardoned them from death is selfish and hypocritical. How selfish of a person to believe the universe owes them something, myself included.
This ended up less coherent that I would have liked, but I felt the need to vent.
There is a commonality to man, we all have this addressing issue of proving ourselves, whether aggressively or in a passive way (passive-aggressive). Within the current time, we find homosexuality an acceptable lifestyle and as such, man finds nothing more intolerable and offensive to have their masculinity in question than by being called a homosexual. A sensitive heterosexual man will endure a great deal of insult in the aforementioned.
Have a interest in human beings, and they will find a way to belittle and preserve themselves in a hierarchy construct to rank themselves highest above the rest. Those who wish to find acceptance, and be set aside in commonality will endure insult with the only intent to be socially accepted. This is the psychological equivalent of physical combat, with the only proponent to avoid actual physical fighting. The worse feeling a man may have, than to be mentally defeated, having no outlet to retaliate. I would rather receive a physical beating than to have a man feel some kind of superiority over me.
This reintroduced idea of mans behavior relating to animal conduct. A supposed christian idea of the fallen nature, the betrayal of god in the garden. If the theological principles hold any ground, than why do we all behave predictably the same? why do we have such this inclination to preserve delusion?
Man has this desire to contradict purpose
We want nothing more than to be accepted by human beings, we desire and yearn for the affirmation and welcoming agreement.
I only write this so somebody might know that I exist.
I feel like something outside of myself is directing me, that is the only reason why I try to continue and exist. Something powerful outside of me, that is greater than human beings.
It wasn’t made apparent to me my often pessimistic and cynical characteristics until my mid to late 20’s. I never made it a priority to become this way, it wasn’t like I spent a lot of effort in my days, plotting and scheming how I can become the half empty cup of the group. It just kind of happened this way by what I think is accident. I do believe optimism and hopeful individuals all have a characteristic of some kind of faith system. It is imperative to believe in something that gives your life order, something that you’re accountable to. So your work and efforts do not go unnoticed, and you make wise choices and decisions. Obviously this ability can also be used for pessimistic individuals, but I think in the broader scale; their pessimism is strewn with nihilism, whether objective, existential or whatever other by-product. In that case, to truly believe in something, would be contradictory to their own worldview.
Disillusionment is the main active ingredient to religion, it keeps all thoughts at bay, in the faith that there is something out there that is looking out for their best interest. I have had this frame of thinking for a large majority of my life, and it was through this disillusionment that I would put precedence in my beliefs and not into responsibility. What eventually happened, is that I became a domesticated animal, without any ability to survive in real life situations. I was like a lion taken care of for its youth into early adult hood, and forced back out into the jungle. This is where I learned not only the abandonment of what I felt like was god, but also the predatory habits of humans, which I think are not at all coincidental with the rest of the animal kingdom. This whole process changed my worldview greatly, it diminished my great amount of faith in life, in god and in my fellow man. Initially this was the most scary time in my life, because for once I honestly questioned the existence of god, of a god. I tried to persuade myself out of it, would look at good days as a sign, and bad days as recognition to my disobedience to sky gods. This went on for several years, several suicide attempts, and still at my heart of hearts I feel the disillusionment, the “you’re kidding yourself”, mentality. Ask any brimstone bible beating preacher, and they will tell you that is Satan. That is the dark lord of this world, wishing to pull me down into the clutches of hell and ass rape me with a torch for eternity. With my luck, they could very well be right.
But this whole cosmological ATM machine belief system is all very contradictory to me. So I chalk up my bad luck for being disobedient, and then I chalk up the good in my life, for being obedient and living humbly before the lord. This whole idea, this whole theology is very selfish. We human beings have no capacity to do good without the constructs of some sort of hell/heaven, good/bad judgment. That leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and seems to be more valuable for delusion sake.